How to be a Human Being (part 2)

Yesterday I started my list of ten things you need to be a better human being (Here is Part 1). Inspired by the constant lists places like Buzzfeed and Elite put out to make sure you fit inside a tiny little box, you know because you’re the same as everyone else right?



(This is how they make Peter Dinklages)

Let’s continue on with the second half ot things you should know anyway –

6. There are lots of people, all of them are different – Look around you in a public place, every single person is having different thoughts to you. Some of them are worried. They might be worried about money, they might be worried about their family or job, they might be worried that the butt plug they inserted earlier has crept a little too far into their colon. Some of them are happy. They might be happy because they’re thinking about unicorns and cream pies, they might be happy because they just got a promotion or they might be happy because they managed to win that electric steamer on ebay earlier.


(They may have just freed two thousand slaves)

They might have “Let it go” from Disney’s Frozen stuck in their head and are unable to think of anything else. There is an infinite amount of things that any one person could be thinking about at any point in time and usually we’re thinking about more than one thing. Not a single person will be thinking about exactly the same thing in exactly the same way so why should that be a problem for you. They think God is real, they think Jazz is a legitimate music genre, they think green trousers with a blue jumper is a fine fashion choice, they think Starship Troopers 2 was an excellent movie with a revolutionary form of storytelling involving old scenes used in the previous movie and actors recast in different roles from the first film. Genius. They are different, we are different and you should accept that instead of forcing your ideas onto others. Your ideas are no more legitimate than anyone elses. You wear socks with sandals for christ sake!


(I don’t get it are your feet cold AND hot? Are these to prove you’re married and can’t make footwear decisions without your significant other around? Is it some kind of secret signal to people like you? Do they stop alien foot diseases? I just…I don’t….)

7. Equal does not mean “the same” – Men and Women are different. I’ve checked. There are things women have that most men don’t and there are things men have that women see too much of. Don’t ever think they’re the same. What they should be is equal. They aren’t, I get that, the world is still dominated by men but day by day we’re getting there. Things are much better now than they were years ago but still not great. Sexual stereotypes are everywhere in every form of media and you shouldn’t be swayed by them, women aren’t weak and men aren’t idiots, women don’t enjoy periods no matter how absorbent their tampon and men aren’t completely clueless when it comes to childcare (if you leave your husband with your baby you will not come home to it dead). HOWEVER there is no problem with holding the door open for anyone, this is called courtesy, or sending poetry to the person you have fallen for, this is called romance, just don’t send it with a picture of your dick or an RSVP containing a cutting of their hair.



8. Teach your kids how to be people – I don’t care how much you don’t want to grow up if you have kids you need to teach them how to be good people. You can’t expect them to behave themselves when you’re screaming at them across a crowded McDonalds because they’ve spilled their Red Bull and you can’t remember their name correctly so you assign them a number “FUCKING 7 COME HERE! JESUS IF YOU DON’T STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHERS I’LL COME OVER THERE AND SMACK YOU SO HARD YOU’LL BE PISSING BLOOD! DON’T YOU DARE SWEAR AT ME” I know some of you are reading that and thinking “what’s wrong with that? sounds like a typical Sunday for me” and I will be happy if you don’t ever read my blog again. You can’t expect children to behave without setting the example for them. Be their hero, play with them, feed them right, teach them manners and give them security. Let them develop the confidence to become their own person without you beating it into them while swearing and forcing junk food into their screaming mouths.


(I don’t understand it, I left him for just a minute. He’d already had his pro plus and his bag of sherbert so I don’t know why he was so angry. He’s only 5 why wouldn’t you give him everything he asks for!)


I was on a train platform and a guy shouted at his son “IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN I’LL KNIFE YA!”, I checked my surroundings and no this wasn’t the canteen queue in a prison or the pre bout insults of a cutlery duel so I was understandably baffled. Where was this guy going to go with it if his son did indeed do it again? Would he shiv the kid in the stomach right there on the platform? Would he wait until the child slept? If he didn’t follow through with his threat would the kid never believe that anyone would ever follow through with it and gets killed later in life at the hands of an aggressive mugger? Must be a lovely life living under the constant threat of fatal parental violence, bet he grows up stable.

9. Don’t spend money that isn’t yours – Oh you’d like a holiday abroad would you? You’d like to go somewhere nice with sun, sand, low cost alcohol AND take the children? But you just don’t have the money right now do you? No so you know what you can do you can go and get a loan out, pay for the holiday then pay the loan off gradually YAY! Everyone wins! WRONG! What happens if you can’t pay it back suddenly? What happens when you have an extra expenditure every month that you didn’t have before? JUST SAVE THE MONEY, go next year! Jesus why is this a hard concept? You don’t have the money, you don’t spend the money. Debt is the leading reason for people to be stressed, stress is the leading cause of death in first world countries. If when you went to get the loan they showed you a graph of how much more likely you were to die following the first loan repayment you wouldn’t take it out.


(After 3 holidays to Ibiza John wasn’t looking forward to his 26th birthday party in Fuerteventura)

10. Don’t be a cock – Everyone is going through life and everyone is dealing with their own problems. It’s actually our job to make everyone else’s life easier. Crazy though it may sound people don’t want to help you with your problems then not get that reciprocated when they come to you with theirs. Help people pick up shopping when they drop it, give up your seat to someone who looks like they need it more than you, don’t eat the last piece of cake without asking you selfish prick! THAT WAS MY CAKE!!!

(I know it was you Van Der Beek)

The biggest thing in all of this is that you shouldn’t need a list to tell you to be anything. Just live life the way you want to, treat people the way you would like to be treated and don’t force yourself on anyone, physically, spiritually or mentally.

Purchase out.


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