As a post

I made myself deaf this week. When people say you need to stop when the cotton bud meets resistance you should totally do that.


(and NEVER use them to store stationary)

It’s really only half deaf as it’s just my right ear but as my left ear hasn’t worked properly since I was 23 and got a serious ear infection it’s more like I’m 75% deaf. Right now all I can hear in my right ear is a screaming, buzzing, hissing noise. It’s like a flock of seagulls trying to fuck a dolphin while bees cheer them on.

(Revenge is sweet)

Unless I’m within a foot of the person talking all I can hear is the teacher from Charlie Brown. My kids are 3 foot tall which means I have to bend in half just to hear what they’re saying, speaking with them is like a pilates class where every conversation is about poo or the daily lives of inanimate cuddly animals. FYI inanimate cuddly animals have exceedingly complicated personal lives akin to the year long plot of Hollyoaks. The girls’ toys have had more issues than Take a Break.


(What you don’t know is that every story on that cover is the same person. I use this magazine as a pick me up, when I’m feeling down I just look at the front cover of ANY issue and think “Yeah I’m good”)

On stage it’s even worse as the audience are further away (usually) and further down (mostly). Last night the closest audience  was a party of ladies and they were 4 feet lower than me and 10 feet away so I could see their mouths moving but nothing was reaching my ears. It was like watching an aggressive silent movie about alcoholic menopause, if you watch anything with Jane McDonald in it on mute it’s similar to that.


It has had a beneficial side effect however. When you can’t hear anything you can’t regulate your speaking volume so when I’m on stage I am automatically louder. I thought this would be terrible but it’s added a new level of energy to the set and the audiences have been reacting nicely to it, say hello to a significantly more obnoxious Purchase. Obviously the opposite is also true and sometimes when I’m out and about I scream at shop assistants who haven’t met anyone that aggressive about caramel doughnuts.



So now I have to put special drops in my ear for 2 weeks, which feels like insects crawling into my brain, then go back to the doctors and have them syringe my ear out, which is apparently a 50% chance of going deaf as it involves a doctor firing a high pressure hose into your delicate eardrum and praying he doesn’t burst it. I just hope he wasn’t drinking the day before and I don’t look like the man his wife left him for. I would rather lose an arm than my hearing and in all honesty I’d rather lose nothing and just have all 5/6 of my senses. Call me crazy but if it turns out I can talk to dead people I want to be able to hear them.

(What’s that? Sorry what? Wakka wakka wakka? Nope nothing)


  1. In a few years your kids will develop the same hearing disorder, complete with yelling for no apparent reason. Don’t blame yourself. It’s not a learned behavior from your temporary hearing loss. It’s just teenaged hormones. That’s when you’ll wish you had the bugs in your brain as a pleasant distraction…

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