When is a comedy show not a comedy show

When you have to walk through a kebab shop to get to the venue.

Last night I did a gig that looked like this


(Out of this gigantic audience 2 are under the age of 16, 2 are other acts come to see if the gig is any good and 1 isn’t even human)

You have to be professional in this job so I did the normal format of audience banter, some material and then introducing acts. Turned out this wasn’t what the audience wanted. What the audience wanted still remains something of a mystery although it might have something to do with homemade cheese sandwiches and raw onions.


(served in one of the intervals and greeted with the enthusiasm of a child meeting Santa Claus for the first time)

Prior to arriving at this gig several other comics had tried to warn me off it, including the previous promoter, but I was adamant that I’d confirmed it and come on how bad can it be?

If you arrive at a gig and you can tick three of these bullet points you are at a bad gig:

  1. You have to get into the venue via a kebab shop
  2. One of the audience members has his shirt off and is already blind drunk
  3. The Bar manager asks you to talk to the owner as he isn’t sure what’s happening
  4. Over 30% of the audience are below legal drinking age
  5. They are advertising the show with a previous month’s poster
  6. Members of the audience mess around with the sound board during the show
  7. The bar manager sings to customers while comics are on stage
  8. A woman with greasy hair is masturbating in the corner


(Awkward performances make me so damn horny)

Well done to all the acts that came and did their full time even though they were largely ignored. Massive well done to Jonathan Elston who not only managed to illicit a reaction but has also lost so much weight I didn’t recognise him.

OK that’s enough of the negative stuff, yesterday was actually pretty amazing.

Having never had my daughter for a birthday of hers it was great to be able to surprise her with an apartment full of balloons, bunting, sparkles and general birthday happiness. As an adult I will never understand how much enjoyment kids get out of balloons and glitter but wow was it amazing to watch.


(We’re pretending that these are your head Daddy!)

It was incredible to see her ripping open her presents and squealing with joy. Non parents won’t get it but it’s one of the best things you get to experience and I’m so happy that finally we can do it as a family.

It makes me happier than this picture.


(the filename for this picture is Jesusaurus, I’ll leave you with that)

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